Falsehoods Programmers believe about Cricket

Cricket: As explained to a foreigner…

a poem by Ben Greville and Brian Springer

You have two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each man that’s in the side that’s in goes out, and when he’s out he comes in and the next man goes in until he’s out. When they are all out, the side that’s out comes in and the side that’s been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out. When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who stay out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men have been out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game.

All of the below are wrong:

  1. There are six balls per over.
  2. There are a fixed number of balls per over.
  3. Excluding extras, there are a fixed number of balls per over.
  4. A completed over never has less than the legal number of balls bowled.
  5. The maximum runs for an over is six times the number of balls.
  6. Okay, maybe you could get a couple of extra runs if the fielders really stuff up, but not many.
  7. Oh, ok, so if you had a really lousy bowler, those wides might start adding up.
  8. 62 runs? In one over?! record.
  9. There are 10 wickets to an innings.
  10. Unless there are a limited number of overs, there are 10 wickets.
  11. Unless there are a limited number of overs, or the team declares, there are 10 wickets.
  12. Okay, there are the team size, less one, number of wickets.
  13. Unless it’s Last Man Standing.
  14. A wicket means the batsman is out.
  15. Once players are out they cannot bat again.
  16. The number of runs for an innings is a positive number.
  17. The number of runs a bowler scores is a positive number.
  18. The singular form of “innings” is “inning”.
  19. A “two-innings match” consists of two innings.
  20. Alright, a “two-innings” match consists of four innings.
  21. In a “two-innings” match, the teams alternate between batting and fielding.
  22. There is a maximum of four innings in a match.
  23. An innings must be completed fully.
  24. Once a new innings is started, the old innings is complete and never revisited.
  25. There are 11 players per team.
  26. There is one bowler per over.
  27. There is a limit to how many bowlers there can be in an over.
  28. A scorer, umpire, and groundsman are never the same person in a match.
  29. The home team and the away team are two different teams.
  30. A player only ever plays for one team in a match.
  31. The team that chose to bat first after a coin toss always bats first.
  32. A player cannot be given out before a ball has been bowled.
  33. A batsman cannot be run out if he stays in his crease.
  34. If a batsman is out of his crease while attempting to take a run and the closest bails are removed, then he is out.
  35. More than one person cannot be given out off the same delivery.
  36. A team’s score won’t change after they have completed an innings.
  37. A tie is the same as a draw.
  38. A ground and a pitch are the same thing.
  39. A match is always played on a single pitch.
  40. A replacement ball is always a new ball.
  41. If the ball hits the wickets, the batter is out.
  42. An extra is always worth the same number of points.
  43. In a single match, an extra is always worth the same number of points.
  44. 3 Wickets in a row (2 bowled, 1 run out) equals a hattrick for the bowler.
  45. Cricket is not a superstitious game. For instance at 111 runs there is no rule that everyone watching should keep their feet off the ground (Umpires included, although since gravity still plagues the game of cricket on Earth it is acceptable that they merely hop as the ball is bowled).
  46. A test always takes five days.
  47. A test always takes at most five days.
  48. The rules of cricket will never change.

Cricket in action!

Cricket Comedy Sketch

Published: May 02 2014

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